August 30, 2003

Is It Wrong To Wish For A Natural Disaster?

I just came back from the local grocery store, where I witnessed a confrontation between two of my least favorite public spectacles.

In this corner, wearing the plaid shorts and the stupid looking fly fishing hat, we have the upper-middle-class father of four tourist, stashing his 50-foot-long, 5-mile-to-the-gallon-getting Yukon XL land yacht in a handicapped space while his wife loads up the groceries because there's basically no other place that he can fit the ridiculous behemoth.

Bitching him out from the other corner, wearing the lime green pup tent and the size 55 grey sweatpants is the middle-aged woman with handicapped tags and no apparent handicap other than an inability to pass a McDonald's drive-through without taking on at least 2,500 calories.

Where I grew up, we respected the sanctity of handicapped spaces. Of course, they were reserved for people with actual physical disabilities, not lazy lard-asses who've conned their doctors into believing that there's some biological reason why their family goes through a gallon bucket of CostCo mayonnaise every week.

People suck.

Posted by Dan at 11:29 AM | Comments (0)

August 29, 2003

Worst. Yearbook. Picture. Ever.

Yup, this is the kid that the FBI says wrote one of the variants of the MSBlaster worm. Lawyers from the Fox Network are reportedly considering legal action.
Posted by Dan at 05:42 PM | Comments (0)

August 26, 2003

A Nutty New Get-Famous-Quick Scheme

I'm just not sure about Bill Simmons any more. Fans will immediately recognize the name as belonging to Page 2's incomparable Sports Guy. I've been a big fan of his writing since he got the Page 2 gig a few years ago. I like his writing so much that I really wish he'd spend more time on it and less time writing for Kimmel's show.

But now this four beer thing comes along. If you haven't seen it, Simmons just wrote a review of ESPN's new football drama series Playmakers for Page 2. In it, he posits a very interesting new analogy for a problem that plagues many network TV and basic cable shows that are trying to cash in on the "edgy TV series" phenomenon pioneered by HBO and Showtime. The problem is that the shows are forced to strike an awkward balance between offering the sex, profanity and violence that draw viewers to shows like The Sopranos and Oz and keeping the corporate suits and image-conscious sponsors from freaking out and pulling the plug. It rarely works. Simmons likens the situation to going out with your buddies and having just enough to drink that you're too drunk to drive home and hung over the next day but not enough that you really cut loose and feel like you had a great time. I think the concept of a local minimum in the party cost-benefit curve is dead on. The problem is that he puts this minimum at four beers in an evening.

Now I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not as young or as hard as I used to be, but I still think of four beers during a night out at the bar as a start. And this has really led me to question whether Simmons and his crew could hang with me and my boys (not to mention a few of the girls I know...) when we're in all-out party mode. I'd love to determine the answer under real-world conditions. Can you imagine what it would be like to party with the Sports Guy and his buddies in Vegas until they pass out in some dingy casino mens room? That would be the apex of a lifetime of dedicated partying. You could take pictures of your nuts on the Sports Guy's forehead and die happily five minutes after they were posted on the Internet. It would be that cool!

Or maybe we could turn ourselves into an Internet phenomenon. We would be "those guys who party with celebrities until they pass out drunk and then take pictures with their nuts on the cebebrities' foreheads." We could have our own show on E! We could sign a deal with the Golden Palace internet casino to have their logo henna-tattooed onto our scrotums! We could....

OK, now I'm just being silly.

Posted by Dan at 02:50 PM | Comments (1)

August 24, 2003

"Gun Nuts... Lots Of Gun Nuts..."

Big-budget summer movie buffs love to debate whether the special effects in The Matrix: Reloaded were a disappointment relative to the expectation set by the first movie.

Sci-fi fanatics have kept Internet message boards hopping, discussing the implications of the ending.

Now the gun nuts are doing their own nit-picking.

Posted by Dan at 08:51 PM | Comments (0)

August 23, 2003

Real Solutions Roll Into Town

Rejoice, likely Democratic primary voters! As I was walking home from lunch and doing a little shopping, I stumbled upon Senator John Edwards' campaign bus, parked on a back street.

I didn't get a chance to see the candidate in person, as I was carrying some heavy parcels and headed home. I imagine he was over at his campaign headquarters, rallying the troops.

Posted by Dan at 03:38 PM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2003

Monument-al Stupidity

In the spirit of full disclosure, I don't like the USA Patriot Act. There are a thousand reasons why any sane person would feel this way. Nevertheless, I think I would find it far less objectionable if there was some part of it that allowed Herr Ashcroft and his band of merry men to storm the Alabama Supreme Court building and dynamite that stupid ten commandments monument.
See you all in hell.

Posted by Dan at 01:42 PM | Comments (0)

August 19, 2003

Chip Collection Update

I added 6 new casino chips to my collection last night, including one from the shiny, new Borgata in Atlantic City.

Posted by Dan at 09:37 AM | Comments (1)

Shocking News From Vegas

Over the weekend, a tourist from Kentucky apparently learned the hard way that running around barefoot in Las Vegas is not a good idea.
The article itself makes for some novel reading. You rarely see "mother of four" and "her fiance" used in the same sentence. More often, you see "mother of four" and "her husband, the poor bastard."

Posted by Dan at 09:31 AM | Comments (2)

August 18, 2003

Fantasy Football Draft Results

Saturday night was the live draft for the fantasy football league I play in. The date and time were chosen by Mike, who decided that the social calendar of your average 6-member nuclear family from Maine is something that everyone should aspire to. Two hours, three beers and a double scotch on the rocks later, here's what I ended up with:

  • Round 1: Marshall Faulk (RB-StL)
  • Round 2: Joe Horn (WR-NO)
  • Round 3: Koren Robinson (WR-Sea)
  • Round 4: Steve McNair (QB-Ten)
  • Round 5: T.J. Duckett (RB-Atl)
  • Round 6: Jay Fiedler (QB-Mia)
  • Round 7: Ashley Lelie (WR-Den)
  • Round 8: Cam Cleeland (TE-StL)
  • Round 9: Ray Lewis (DL-Bal)
  • Round 10: Olindo Mare (K-Mia)
  • Round 11: Drew Brees (QB-SD)
  • Round 12: Takeo Spikes (DL-Buf)
  • Round 13: Joe Nedney (K-Ten)
  • Round 14: Charles Woodson (DB-Oak)
  • Round 15: Ken Dilger (TE-TB)
  • Round 16: Santana Moss (WR-NYJ)
  • Round 17: Lawyer Milloy (DB-NE)
  • Round 18: Antwaan Randle El (WR-Pit)
  • Round 19: Christian Fauria (TE-NE)
  • Round 20: John Lynch (DB-TB)

    Thusly equipped to dominate the league, I am already planning my victory celebration. Keep the 2nd weekend in January open!

    Posted by Dan at 04:10 PM | Comments (1)
  • August 17, 2003


    You may be wondering what's up with the picture of the Market Street Tub Shop.
    "What's so bizarre about selling tubs?" you might ask yourself.
    But this place doesn't sell tubs.
    They rent them.
    By the hour.
    On the near side, you can see the entrance to the Portsmouth Gas Light Company, one of the city's premier weekend meat market bars.
    Maybe other people are better at ignoring the obvious, but there isn't enough Calgon in the world to take me away from what's been going on in that tub they want to get me into.

    Posted by Dan at 08:33 PM | Comments (0)

    August 15, 2003

    Beer-Movie Review: Freddy Vs. Jason

    Yup, it's summer time and once again the creative wasteland known as Hollywood churns out another cinematic catastrophe uniting two worn-out franchises from a dead genre. Robert Englund and Some Guy In Overalls And A Hockey Mask reprise the roles that they will be forever typecast into in a film that will recover its production costs as reliably as your average water utility. Considering that I've probably already seen every good scene in the movie by watching the 15 second TV trailer, I'm guessing that it would take 9 beers for me to find this piece of shit entertaining.



    Comments are open. Have at it.

    Click here for an explanation of the Beer-Movie Rating System

    Posted by Dan at 03:15 PM | Comments (0)

    My Vices Follow Me

    Looks like the Penobscot Indian Nation hasn't given up on Kittery, ME after all. Check out this report from the Portsmouth Herald. Here's hoping that the Penobscot's casino doesn't turn into an overpriced, crowded, smoky hell-hole.

    Posted by Dan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0)

    August 14, 2003

    But It Makes For Some Great Wine, Though

    Inflammatory Thought Of The Day:
    I bet a lot of people believe that the devastating heat wave in Western Europe is being caused by some secret CIA weather control project and that it's retaliation for widespread European opposition to the war in Iraq. There are probably also plenty of Bible-thumpers who believe God is punishing Europe. I believe that God is trying to break an old paradox by once and for all determining whether He can create a smell that even He can't stand.

    Posted by Dan at 04:48 PM | Comments (0)

    Hey, guess what

    I started a web log today. Much more to come. Stay tuned...

    Posted by Dan at 01:21 PM | Comments (0)