May 30, 2004

Coming Soon: Brother Jebediah's Extra-Bland Salsa

Today's thoroughly humorous attempt at marketing comes from the chips and snacks aisle at Portsmouth's own Shaw's Supermarket. Somewhere along the way, the folks at Bachman must have been sitting in a room, brainstorming, asking themselves, "How can we make our cheap, knock-off corn chips more appealing? How can we make them seem more wholesome, more nutritious?" This is what they came up with:

Amish Chipitos

Because nobody makes quality Mexican snack food like the Amish.

Posted by Dan at 12:57 PM | Comments (4)

May 23, 2004

I Bet Jim Carrey Plays Odie

It's relatively common knowledge among everyone outside of the nation's secretarial pools that Garfield creator Jim Davis ran out of ideas some time around 1988. He's been rehashing the same tired old schtick for the past 16 years, and shows no signs of slowing down. So it stands to reason that the folks who brought you such derivative garbage as Dr. Doolittle 2, Wing Commander, and Home Alone 3 would feel a certain kinship to Mr. Davis. Inspirational bankruptcy loves company, so PAWS, Inc. and Twentieth Century Fox have conspired to bring about Garfield the Movie.

This movie is guaranteed to be a hit among people who live with 12 or more cats. Pathetic, middle-aged single women who decorate their cubicles with Cathy cartoons will come out in droves. It should play well among kids who are a little too slow for the sophisticated humor of Shrek 2.

I'm not even going to dignify this movie with a beer movie rating. There's no such thing as getting drunk enough to find cat humor funny if you're not a cat humor person to begin with. I think this movie deserves a Zima rating, or possibly a Mike's Hard Lemonade rating. How many hard ciders would it take to convince a TJ Maxx cashier from Little Rock that this is the funniest movie she's ever seen? I look forward to the insightful analyses of my readers.

Posted by Dan at 06:54 PM | Comments (1)

May 22, 2004

Career Tragedy In Aisle 4

fülly deprecïated müsic
It's over, Queensrÿche fans. Just how over is it, you might ask? This morning, I heard Jet City Woman on the muzak at K-Mart. It's that over. I'm sorry this had to happen, fellows -- were there any female Queensrÿche fans before Empire? -- but it's done.
In order to help you through this difficult period, has identified the following "Similar Artists" for your consideration:

  • Kyuss
  • Dream Theater
  • Red Rider (Tom Cochrane's pre-Life Is A Highway gig)
  • Metallica (presumably their post-black album material)
  • Blue Öyster Cult (To help with your umlaut dependency)

    Posted by Dan at 01:37 PM | Comments (0)
  • May 15, 2004

    I Knew This Day Would Come

    Go back to The Man Show, you fat loser!
    At long last, it has happened. The Sports Guy, the man who simultaneously restored my faith in sports writing and Internet humor, has left Jimmy Kimmel's ghastly abomination of a late night talk show (I was about to refer to it as a "car crash," but then I remembered that most people will stop to watch a car crash) and is returning to write full time for According to his most recent column, he wanted to devote more time to his column, and ESPN is also giving him the chance to "pursue some additional opportunities... none of which [he's] allowed to mention yet." Which is fine. I'm happy to take his work for it, and I expect good things. The Sports Guy phenomenon has been something special, and you need look no farther than the gaggle of Sports Guy-wannabes whose writing litters Page 2 nowadays to see that realizes this. It's about time they rewarded him with a new deal and an opportunity to keep doing new and interesting things. Here's hoping that he makes more of his fat new contract than some other people have.

    Posted by Dan at 09:06 PM | Comments (0)

    May 10, 2004

    If Chewbacca Lives On Endor...

    I think President Bush is starting to employ The Chewbacca Defense against the storm of criticism arising from the abuse of Iraqi detainees by U.S. soldiers. Just the other day, we were hearing about how upset the President was with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld over the matter. Today, however, President Bush came out praising Rumsfeld, indicating that the secretary was "doing a superb job," and that the country owes Rumsfeld "a debt of gratitude." What?!?!?!?

    Not to be flip, but what recent accomplishment merits the gratitude of the american public? Dragging us into another intractable conflict in the Middle East? Failing to deliver Osama bin Laden? Placing Iraq under military leadership so weak that it was unable to prevent even the most ridiculous violations of the Geneva Convention?

    Mister President, you're not making any sense.

    Posted by Dan at 05:09 PM | Comments (0)