January 30, 2005

Fair Warning To Image Leeches!

If you're too cheap to buy web hosting to add images to your message board posts, that's your problem. Don't take the liberty of "borrowing" mine. Bad things might happen to you, sort of like what happened to this fine Englitician on the futurekingz board who thought he'd found a new avatar for himself:


Posted by Dan at 10:01 PM | Comments (4)

January 27, 2005

Can I Get A Ruling, Please?

So I've been listening to an album by a rap group called Jedi Mind Tricks. I was trying to find the right analogy to describe it to a friend. It's sort of dark and menacing, but it doesn't resort to any gangsta rap posturing. I started to describe it as follows:

It's like Wu-Tang Clan, without all the incoherent yelling.
Then I read that statement again and realized it's probably an oxymoron.

Posted by Dan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2005

Once You Start Down The Dark Path...

Perhaps you thought that the Star Wars franchise had already been crassly commercialized to the limit. Perhaps you thought that, after Jar-Jar Binks, George Lucas couldn't go any lower. You looked him in his fat, fuzzy face and said, "You have already burned down my childhood memories and pissed on the ashes and you can't hurt me any more!"

You were wrong.

Posted by Dan at 02:47 PM | Comments (1)

January 13, 2005

Marquee de Sad

Sports Illustrated has declared Saturday night's Rams-Falcons game to be a "Marquee Matchup." In case you were wondering, here is the marquee they were referring to:


Posted by Dan at 08:17 PM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2005

Roethlisberger: No Diaper Dandy

Dick "Dickie V" Vitale:
Still knows more about football than Paul Maguire
For those of you not watching the Georgia Tech-UNC game on ESPN right this minute, noted loud idiot Dick Vitale just went on the record saying that the Jets are going to beat the Steelers on Saturday. In case you haven't checked, Stardust and The Mirage are currently favoring the Steelers by 9.0 and 8.5, respectively. The conventional wisdom says that when a bookie dangles those kind of points in front of you, he's happy as a clam when you take them. But hey, who am I to argue with Dickie V? Go ahead and plunk your money down on Pennington's gimpy shoulder. (and stomach, head, etc...) After all, it isn't as though Marty Schottenheimer chokes in the playoffs every year.

Posted by Dan at 09:05 PM | Comments (0)

January 07, 2005

Federal Judge: Mouthwash Does Not Equal Flossing

In New York today a federal judge took time out of his busy schedule to inform the mouth-breathing masses that, no, rinsing with Listerine is not the same as flossing. In a spectacularly worthless case brought by a dental floss manufacturing unit of soulless, evil consumer products conglomerate Johnson & Johnson, U.S. District Judge Denny Chin ruled that an ad run by the Listerine unit of callous, money-grubbing pharmaceutical giant Pfizer was "misleading and poses a public health risk." Chin was apparently concerned that the ad could lead the 40 or 50 remaining Americans who still floss regularly to start using nasty, alcohol-laden mouthwash instead, proving that even the federal judiciary believes that people who floss are shmucks.
James J. "Whitey" Bulger
Federal fugitive and regular flosser
During the time it took the American legal system to adjudicate this profound matter, ten of the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Fugitives remained at large, issues of constitutional law ranging from gun control to gay marriage remained unresolved, and Judge Judy ruled on an entire season's worth of small claims suits and domestic disturbances.
Posted by Dan at 03:04 PM | Comments (0)

January 04, 2005

Dr. Rosenrosen Unavailable For Comment

As if the tsunami-stricken people of South Asia haven't suffered enough, now the arrival of relief supplies to Indonesia's devastated Aceh province has been disrupted by an event lifted directly from Chevy Chase's 1985 cinematic opus Fletch.
To quote American's Most Trusted News Source:

The crucial airstrip in Banda Aceh -- the province's only runway -- was closed for much of Tuesday after an aircraft carrying relief supplies hit a water buffalo on the runway.

You just can't make things like this up. Now if somebody could only lend a towel...

Posted by Dan at 07:50 AM | Comments (1)